I remember being a little girl riding in a car with my chain smoking Grandma, all of the windows rolled up. Correction, not all of the windows were up. She had kids in the car after all. Her window was cracked...about a quarter of an inch. A hug from her wouldn’t have been complete without nose burn and watering eyes. All of my childhood memories of her are cigarette scented.
My grandmother wasn’t a religious woman but she would take anything she read as gospel, provided it made no real sense, promised impossible results and cost a lot of money. If you were smart you never, ever, disagreed with one of her plans. Confronting her was like sitting on a leather couch in summer while wearing shorts: you don’t realize the danger until it’s too late, it’s extremely painful to extract yourself from it and you learn your lesson quickly and never do it again.
So no one tried to talk her out of it when my grandma decided that she was going to quit smoking after reading about the amazing benefits of hypnosis. She tracked down a local “therapist” who promised (without an actual guarantee) that, for the low, low price of $300, she would receive one office visit, five subliminal cassette tapes and a cure to all her woes. Having met all of my grandmother’s criteria for what makes something credible, she signed right up.
My reverie was interrupted, once again, by a screaming child upstairs. Thundering down the stairs Violet came, giant tears squeezed out and accusations flying. After simultaneous sighs from both me and the hubbs, he asked the inevitable question…again…
Him: What happened this time?
Vi: Ruby bit me on the cheek!
(Enter Ruby)
Ruby: Well, she told me to do it!
Me: She TOLD you to do it? Can’t you come up with something better than that? Really, Ruby, I’m disappointed.
Ruby: No, really. She said we should have a Fighting Contest!
Him: Violet, did you really say that?
Vi: (sniff and mumble) Yes.
Me: Well, shit, dumbass. Who won the contest?
Vi: Umm, Ruby?
Me: Ya think?
I started to wonder if I shouldn’t record some of my own subliminal tapes for the kids. Set over the top of Jack Johnson singing some Curious George songs, my directives would be simple:
My grandmother wasn’t a religious woman but she would take anything she read as gospel, provided it made no real sense, promised impossible results and cost a lot of money. If you were smart you never, ever, disagreed with one of her plans. Confronting her was like sitting on a leather couch in summer while wearing shorts: you don’t realize the danger until it’s too late, it’s extremely painful to extract yourself from it and you learn your lesson quickly and never do it again.
So no one tried to talk her out of it when my grandma decided that she was going to quit smoking after reading about the amazing benefits of hypnosis. She tracked down a local “therapist” who promised (without an actual guarantee) that, for the low, low price of $300, she would receive one office visit, five subliminal cassette tapes and a cure to all her woes. Having met all of my grandmother’s criteria for what makes something credible, she signed right up.
My reverie was interrupted, once again, by a screaming child upstairs. Thundering down the stairs Violet came, giant tears squeezed out and accusations flying. After simultaneous sighs from both me and the hubbs, he asked the inevitable question…again…
Him: What happened this time?
Vi: Ruby bit me on the cheek!
(Enter Ruby)
Ruby: Well, she told me to do it!
Me: She TOLD you to do it? Can’t you come up with something better than that? Really, Ruby, I’m disappointed.
Ruby: No, really. She said we should have a Fighting Contest!
Him: Violet, did you really say that?
Vi: (sniff and mumble) Yes.
Me: Well, shit, dumbass. Who won the contest?
Vi: Umm, Ruby?
Me: Ya think?
I started to wonder if I shouldn’t record some of my own subliminal tapes for the kids. Set over the top of Jack Johnson singing some Curious George songs, my directives would be simple:
I WON’T FIGHT OR BEAT ON MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS I WON’T WHINE TO MY PARENTS I’LL SOLVE MY OWN PROBLEMS I’LL SLEEP IN MY OWN BED NOT MOM AND DADS I’LL EAT WHAT I’M SERVED MONSTERS AREN’T REAL ROBOTS WON’T EAT ME I’LL LET MY MOM MAKE PHONE CALLS AND I WON’T SCREAM MY WAY THROUGH THEM
I don’t think I’m asking a lot, just the basics. And it’ll work too. Hell, it worked for grandma. She quit smoking five days after she started listening to her tapes. Maybe she wasn’t so crazy after all. Of course there was that chelation pyramid scheme…
I don’t think I’m asking a lot, just the basics. And it’ll work too. Hell, it worked for grandma. She quit smoking five days after she started listening to her tapes. Maybe she wasn’t so crazy after all. Of course there was that chelation pyramid scheme…
I'd order that tape.
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