Friday, August 7, 2009

Why You Should Never Let a Woman on Her Period Do the Grocery Shopping


A few nights ago we got a sudden and unexpected influx of money. Not thousands but enough to get excited. We were in dire need of everything: food, shampoo, deodorant and, most importantly, Kotex. Where does a family go when they need everything? Target, of course.

Since there are six people in my family, all with different interests, we tend to scatter the second we’re in the store. That day Noah and Ruby headed to electronics. The hubbs decided to take Violet to the toy section for some pre-birthday present scouting. So that left Hank and I to complete the meat of the errand.

Normally I’m a pretty level headed person when it comes to shopping for food. Still, I avoid the evil sugar and fat laden aisles like recovering alcoholics detour around the wine aisle. (Oh yes, Target carries wine.) There’s no point in tempting fate, level headed or not when everyone loses their resolve occasionally. The smartest of those people employ the resources at hand to shore up themselves. My resource is The Hubbs.

He keeps me honest and helps me to suss out my true needs from frivolous wants. He understands that my line has the potential to be easily blurred. Unfortunately none of the family was mentally prepared for this unexpected Target trip. We were all blinded by the shiny surprise money, even the hubbs. Because of it he made a grave miscalculation. He let me do the shopping while on my period. To this day I still don’t remember putting half of the crap in the cart. I think I must have blacked out.

Nobody was prepared for checkout, especially me. I stood there and watched in horror (along with my entire family, the cashier and the “guests” waiting in line behind us) as my hormone fueled shopping spree was displayed on the rolling conveyor belt of shame. Below is an excerpt from the 16 inch long Target receipt that I took home with me that day:

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

GROCERY
TOOTSIE ROLLS......................................................2.49
LINDOR CHOC TRUFFLES.....................................2.99
REESES TRUFFLES..................................................2.99
PRINGLES..................................................................1.52
MOVIE THEATRE BUTTER POPCORN...............2.14
GOLDEN OREO CAKESTERS.................................4.08
TEDDY GRAHAMS MINIS......................................1.99
WHEAT THINS.........................................................2.99
SCOOBY DOO FRUIT SNACKS..............................1.75
POPTARTS................................................................2.24
HORMEL PEPPERONI............................................2.99
CHICKEN FUN NUGGETS......................................4.99
CHEESE HOT DOGS.................................................2.54
MEAT WIENERS.......................................................3.04
2@1.52
KRAFT MAC CHEESE..............................................4.56
3@1.52
SPAM..........................................................................4.28
2@2.14
LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS CAKE ROLLS.................1.44
DIET PEPSI MAX.....................................................4.99
CHERRY 7UP.............................................................4.59
CHERRY DR PEPPER...............................................4.99
YOPLAIT GOGURT.................................................4.98
2@2.49
RED BARON CHEESE PIZZA.................................9.99
3@3.33
FUDGSICLES............................................................2.79

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

I spent a total of $81.35 on shit. I don’t need judgment from you. I saw plenty of it in the eyes of the cashier. I don’t think I fooled her when, with slumped shoulders and shifty eyes, I nervously giggled and squeaked, “Uh, we’re having a party!”

4 comments:

  1. Do not fret my sister. If this ever happens again, be bold!

    Place the kotex on the belt first, meet the cashier's eye with a look of

    "I will set you ablaze if you judge me"

    Then load your treasures to be checked out, judgement free by a terrified clerk.

    Squirrel away as much of YOUR food in a secret place somewhere as soon as you get home.

    Because let's face it, the locust that live in your house will have it gone in two days.

    Mayme

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  2. my funniest checkout experience was a day (why yes, I was menstruating at the time) that I had to go buy ingredients for a chocolate amaretto swirl cheesecake.

    chocolate graham crackers, bakers chocolate, cream cheese... you get the idea.

    and a box of tampons while I was there.

    The checker, who was an older lady, patted my hand and said,

    "I'm sorry honey."

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  3. This reminds me of the good ol' days when our children were young enough to think that we were the most awesome things in the world--I remember binge shopping but I think it was so we could have a sugar rush to give us more strength to deal with our children running amuck either at Chuck E. Cheese's or at McDonald's Playland. Lol. I also remember filling up our backpacks with tons of junk food so we could smuggle it into the movie theater as we drooled over Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves. . . . .What rebels!! hahaha :-)

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