Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Lessons in Toilet Paper

"Check the seat for pee before you sit down! I guarantee nothing!"

This phrase is saved for only the best of guests visiting our home. At least they're allowed to use the bathroom. Most people's visits to our house start and end at the front door.

We're not anti-social or rude. We're actually trying to spare a guest from a disgusting surprise while saving our family's collective face. You see, our children believe that toilet paper use is optional.

It's not for lack of trying on our part. Lessons, lectures, demonstrations, scare tactics, nothing works.

Now, there is occasional paper use. There has to be. It keeps disappearing. It just doesn't appear to be disappearing into the toilet. At least not for anything less than recreation. I have caught the kids testing the time old tradition of putting one end of the roll into the toilet and then flushing. It's SO funny to watch that roll spin wildly on the holder while $12 worth of T.P. disappears uselessly into the watery depths. But to actually put paper to skin and apply some sort of wiping motion? Unthinkable!

The question I have to pose to my children would be this: If you’re not going to use the toilet paper to clean yourself, could you at least throw some of it in to hide your post-potty shame? For evidently the next lesson will be: Flushing 101: What goes, what stays.

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